Episode III Rewritten

19 May

Even in the thick cyborg enhancements that enveloped him, Darth Vader could not hide his surprise as his wife, Padme Amidala entered the living room with her suitcases. The protocol droid C3PO trailed her with their twin children in its arms.

PADME: I’m leaving you, Anakin. I want a divorce.

VADER: No, don’t do this to me! My love, I turned to the dark side so we could be together forever! Tell me, is it the ocassional homicidal rampage quirk? I promise to get therapy for that.

PADME: No, no, it’s just that …

VADER: Is it the whole ‘Obi-Wan is my enemy’ resolution? I will even agree to make him godfather to the babies, if that’s what you want. And I promise I won’t try to kill him. At least not until after the baptismal reception. I’ll do anything for you, my love.

PADME: Ani, listen to me …

VADER: Does the Emperor‘s deformed face still freak you out? Then I’ll tell him not to drop around the house to discuss extinguishing the Jedi threat, building the biggest military force in the galaxy and taking over the universe. I know how that upsets you. I hate bringing work home anyway …

PADME: Anakin! I want a divorce because …

VADER: Tell me, my love …

PADME: … Your heavy breathing is driving me crazy! It’s gross, okay? Inspite of my gravity-defying hair-do’s, Ani, I am only human.

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